How to fall in Love with Cats

Cat taking a selfie

There, I've bowed down to the internet and posted cat pictures. Are you happy, Internet gods?

More fabulous cats (with a bit of fashion sprinkled here and there) here

For some reason, I've been trying to fall in love with cats. Everyone loves cats, and I'm passive towards them. There must be something wrong with me. To fix that wrong, I'm on a journey to find my Inner Cat Goddess and love her.

I Googled "How do I fall in love with cats?" And, well, I didn't really get what I was looking for. So people don't actually try to fall in love with cats and it simply happens?

Maybe I should try another Google search, "How do I fall in love with humans?" and that led me to this WikiHow page. Now all I have to do is replace "person" with "cats"!

There are three parts to "How to fall in love":

1. Finding the right person cat.
2. Developing the relationship.
3. Building a lasting connection.

I'll cover one part in each post.
So here goes:

Part 1: Finding the right person cat

      1.  Bolster your self esteem

            "To fall in love and find the right person you must first have confidence and love invested in yourself." 

Love yourself: check. This is going to be so easy.

     

      2.  Consider why you want to fall in love

             "There's no right answer for why you want to fall in love, but there are some reasons that aren't good and that indicate a deeper problem. A few reasons to fall in love that aren't good: you are feeling lonely or think you need your self-esteem bolstered by someone else (this will make you take any relationship you get, which will lead to problems later), all your friends are in relationships, you believe you need to have a relationship to be happy. These are all symptoms of deeper problems that won't be cured by entering into a relationship." 

I want to fall in love with cats on a whim. That's not wrong. Is it? I'm almost sure it isn't wrong.

      3.  Consider what you are looking for 

             "No, don't make a list of exact specifications detailing the hair color, job, schooling level, and personality of your potential significant other. You're not going to ever find an exact match, but you should acknowledge the basics of what you're looking for."

Now the sudden realization hits me that this falling in love with cats thing isn't as simple as replacing "person" with "cat". But I've invested so much time into this so I'm going to see this through.

I'm looking for a cat that won't bite or claw me. Also, I'd appreciate it if she didn't aim hairballs at me. That's all.

      4.  Meet people cats

            "Of course, to be able to find someone with whom to fall in love, you're going to need to go out and meet people. This doesn't mean you have to be a big party animal, or that you have to do things that you're not entirely comfortable with, but it's a good idea to at least try and get out of your comfort zone a little bit."

People who have cats! I can always hang out with them (cats and humans) at their homes

      5.  Open yourself to new possibilities

            "Doing things that you might not otherwise have done can help foster a sense of excitement for you, as well as take you outside your comfort zone to meet different kinds of people."

I can do some cat-sitting, it's way out of my comfort zone.

      6.  Give things time

             "Even if you've been going to parties and your friends have been introducing you to plenty of fun, attractive people, you should still expect the process to take some time. Be patient. It can take years to find the right person. Along the way, you may find people that you think are right for you, but turn out not to be. Use these opportunities as learning experiences. Eventually, you'll get a sense for the kind of person you're looking for."

Now I'm really beginning to see how my replace-person-with-cats-in-a-WikiHow-article- for-falling-in-love approach was so wrong. I hereby declare that Parts 2 and 3 are cancelled. I'm sorry, dear readers.

To make up for my fickle mindedness, here are some adorable cats!

I hate paparazzi!

What did you just say, deplorable human?

Hipster cat

It's Monday already?!

Mantis Shrimp and Geeky a capella

Colors! I didn't think that colors were so mysterious and fascinating till I heard this podcast from Radiolab. It opened my mind to so many ideas. That a Mantis shrimp can see more colors than a human can. I looked it up, and this shrimp seems so bad-ass.

Mantis shrimp, I love you. I love you so much that I want to eat you. (Wait, we can eat them, right? Google says yes. Yay!)
I was going to write a bunch of facts I dug out about this sexy sea creature, but this motherfucker seems to have a fan club. And The Oatmeal has written an eloquent love letter for it.
But I wanted to write a love letter too!
I'm going to draw some blood (mine) and express my love in blood. Beat that, Oatmeal!
I'm new to this bloody love letter thing. How does one go about it?

Here are my options:

1. Prick a finger and finger-write a love letter
It's easy, but might look stalker-ish and amateurish. I don't want my mantis shrimp to think of me as an odd-ball. (Not that writing a letter in blood makes me appear less weird.)

2. Use blood as ink:
I have a whole load of questions about this one:
a. Is my blood viscous enough?
b. Is it too viscous to flow freely onto the paper?
c. What sort of nib should I use?
d. How much blood will I need?
e. How fast should I write before the blood begins to clot?
f. Won't the letter smell rusty when the blood dries out?

I didn't know writing a bloody love letter would be so complicated!

Oh, I'm going off track. What was I talking about? Colors! I'm going to read The Iliad and The Odyssey again to see if Homer did use weird colors to describe stuff. Or maybe I should just believe the guy on the podcast.

And Radiolab introduced me to this guy! He made me wish I were a science geek, just so that I could enjoy his a capella thingy more. I didn't understand most of it, but it sure had me entertained! And it has an Einstein sock puppet! Anything which has an Einstein sock puppet is bound to be awesome.



And that led me to his Rolling in the deep parody. Again, didn't understand much. But this one was pretty awesome too. (I hate that word. And I don't know why I keep using it. I need to find some alternatives to awesome)

A Review of a Movie I haven't watched- Shuddh Desi Romance

I don't know why I'm here. I have nothing to write. I'm drawing a blank here.

So here's a load of links! Happy clicking, bitches.

Bee Orchid comic thingy
Paper sculpture awesomeness
Deep stuff about love and passion

Oh, wait. I can write a movie review. So there's Zanjeer and Shuddh Desi Romance. I'll go with Shuddh Desi Romance. Because I don't know what "zanjeer" means. 

But there is one tiny problem. I haven't watched the movie. But I won't let that stop me! I have seen the promos. That's all I need, right? Who wants to watch a shitty movie and then write a review about it? That's so lame. Anybody can do that. So here goes.

The best part of the movie-going experience is popcorn. The popcorn had the right balance of crunchiness and thermocoleyness. Good start.

 The man sitting next to me was quite the fun guy. We kept nudging each other when the movie got boring and had a round of elbow pushing. And you know how men sit with their legs open, taking up too much of leg space. I wanted some leg space too. So there was a lot of foot-fighting too. And then he'd guffaw at an unfunny joke. Not to be outdone, I'd try to out-decibel his laughter. I won. Mostly because he didn't know it was a Who-can-laugh-the-loudest-at-the-shitty-joke contest. At the end of the movie, we exchanged numbers and promised to go on a movie date. I'm waiting for your call, movie date guy!

The movie is about a pleasantly plump girl whose dream is to marry Prince Charming and to dry clothes with him on the terrace. Enter Sushant Rajput, the stubbled and vested desi Prince Charming. He's the local bad-ass who has an umbrella fetish. He sees an umbrella and his man part gives a standing ovation. Neon green umbrellas are his favorite.

Our plump heroine (Parineeti Chopra, I guess) is always prepared. She always carries an umbrella (which happens to be a bright neon green. What are the odds of that happening?) with her. It's quite predictable really, plump girl gets caught in an unexpected shower, opens neon green umbrella, Sushant gets an erection. How romantic. Oh, and he never wastes an erection. They get freaky on the terrace (in the rains. Really sizzling sex scene. Highly recommended. Made me rain.)

Everything's hunk dory till the second bitch comes into his life. This time, with an even brighter and greener umbrella than the one Parineeti owns. This Sushant character is torn between the two. Plump girl is really amazing in the sack, and second bitch has a sexy bright neon green umbrella. The movie's about the conflict between his love for mind blowing sex and his fetish for neon green umbrellas.

Will sex triumph over fetish? Who will our desi vested hero choose?

(He chooses plump girl. Plump girl steals second bitch's neon green umbrella. And they lived happily ever after. Now you don't need to watch the movie. You're welcome.)

Reams of Rhymes

On News (and why I'm not worldly wise)
News, why are you so dark and cryptic?
Always quoting statistics of death and people sick
All I ask for is an unbiased report, not death and fear
So I could peruse you, and worldly wise I would appear


On Single kids (the ones with no siblings, not those without a boyfriend/ girlfriend)
Single kids, mysteries to me they are
How do they live, without being at war
With siblings, one or even two
Even shows of affection out of the blue
And indulging in food fights too.

My Mind, the Empty Petrol Tank
My mind, the seat of cognition, 'tis blank
Dark, Cold and Empty, like a petrol tank.
I twist and turn for a spark in my head, 
A howling wind I hear instead.

Lizards are weird and awesome 

Lizards, those creepy crawlies
Why do they give me the heebie jeebies?
They're just mini-snakes with legs
Whom I could befriend, after downing a few pegs.

Blegh

I think that something's just not fine
I've run out of stuff that rhyme
You may have to wait till tomorrow
While I search for a rhyme I could borrow.

The seeds of a Big Dose of Self-Loving

She claims that she doesn't care
She, with the cascade of curly (I say wavy!) hair
Her dimples peep out now and then
Winking and disappearing again
I was too rapt in writing odes to thee
But now I shall pen odes to me
(I shall treat myself to some self loving
Because I'm tired of simply giving).

Nothingness

That feeling when you want something and you're left wanting
When you feel that emptiness, feeding itself, growing
The Demon of Nothingness closes your heart, numbs you
Reducing you to simply a shell, a resounding hollowness sounds within
Eyes looking, but not seeing
Ears hearing, but not listening
Alive, but not living.
Looking for someone to patch up the holes of nothingness
You feel nothing but the dull throb of emptiness
Paralyzed, feeling the worms of despair eating at your soul
Wanting to shred yourself to pieces
Unworthy, flawed, strange, awkward
All these words. chanted by the devils in your mind
Your thoughts, poisoned by hurtful words

Escape

I'll sprout wings and to you I shall fly
To be with you and on your bed lie
But like Icarus, I shan't be
For the sun will be sure to trip me
You are my wings, sweet imagination
My thoughts, my very own creation.