My cat died and I'm feeling awful.
Well, okay, I lied.
I don't have a cat. And my non-existent cat did not die.
Well, it did. I certainly feel like it did. If I had a cat and it died, I'd feel like I do now.
Or not.
I don't like cats. So I wouldn't feel like crap if it decided to fucking die on me.
Or maybe I would. I wouldn't have a cat if I didn't like him.
So yes, my cat died and I feel terrible.
Deep breath. (Some sobbing while listening to sad music)
I really loved my cat, you know? He understood me so well, and sometimes not at all. He never knew how to cheer me up but I was glad he tried. He loved me so much and I loved him too. I still do. Even if he decided to fucking die on me.
I don't know if I'll love a cat as much as I loved him. No cat could replace him.
Sir Ramsay, I hope Cat Heaven is treating you well.
Okay, I'm going to be brave today and write something. I will not close this window because I have nothing to say. I shall be Kim Kardashian*. Minus the sex tape. And Kanye West.
That reminds me, I need to brush up on my french. Duolingo, you foxy owl, you.
When in doubt, list it
So, I'll be reading a bunch of stuff and writing about it every day occasionally this week Here are the titles of my future posts:
1. Potato Salad Kickstarter
2. The reproductive system of a kangaroo
3. The Quit-your-job-and-do-what-you-love wave
4. The perfect recipe for viral content 5. "Be yourself" and other moronic things people say 6. Bees 7. Why I don't use Facebook (I know, done to death. But I want to whine about Facebook too!) This strip explains my relationship with that pesky social networking website.
I signed up for Facebook because I did want to cultivate interpersonal relationships. Also, I wanted to become less island-ey. But then, out of nowhere, stupid cats popped up in my news feed. So did selfies taken by narcissistic girls and the stupid comments accompanying them. And those typos!
Guess number 7 on my list is done! That sure was easy!
*I shall embrace my air-headed bimbo persona and write something positively frothy and thoughtless, in effect creating nothing out of nothing.
Yes, I have nothing to write and I just want to fill up empty space.
One would think that one would have plenty to write about, what with The Internet doing a good job of being The Internet. That reminds me. Behold, Paul Otlet who catalogs Stuff
Or is it all The Internet's fault? (I love calling it The Internet, sounds ominous, no?) Is my mind cluttered with the endless barrage of tweets and updates and posts and feeds? (I don't use Twitter or Facebook, but I like to say Tweet) Is my brain running out of space, with mindless Tumblr cats replacing important information like anniversaries and birthdays of loved ones (One anniversary and two birthdays forgotten this year, not counting the ones I clean forgot, of course ) and remembering to wear pants before I go out.
So, I shall cut down the clutter and remove all that senseless noise from my brain (I shall be retaining the no-nonsense lady who resides in my head, who tries to keep me from spewing nonsense. Because she's been doing a bad job so far and I like mocking her )
Well, maybe tomorrow. Because science! Lifehacker told me to look at cute animals to be more productive. Here's the study that says so.
I do have words for this, though. I was getting tired of reading the backs of ketchup bottles/ cereal boxes when I had nothing to read at breakfast. Have you felt the utter hopelessness of not having anything to read when you're eating out by yourself? Of course, assuming that you've misplaced your smartphone. Plagued by the same misery, author Jonathan Safran Foer started the "Cultivating Thought" project which has original essays by writers printed onto cups and bags of Chipotle, a Mexican fast food chain.
I don't like taking pictures. I hate being the subject of a picture. I'm the girl who stiffens up and gets awkward when she gets photographed. When I see something beautiful and/ or strange, my first instinct isn't to take a picture of it. I just gape open-mouthed at said object of beauty.
And if you know me well (and I doubt you do. Heck, even I don't know myself well!), I'm going to analyze the crap out of this fault of mine.
So behold, dear readers:
Why I hate being photographed and why I hate photographing stuff:
Why I hate being photographed
1. I'm deeply insecure about my looks. There, I said it.
That's the only reason, really.
And about my next pet peeve:
Why I hate photographing stuff:
1. I don't see the need of taking pictures when I know that I won't peruse them later anyway.
2. A picture is just a two dimensional representation, and I'd rather feel the experience, smell it, breathe it in, look for tiny irrelevant details and mull over it than waste time in snapping a picture of it.
I hate it when I stop writing halfway, but I think this guy explains what I want to say quite well. But please don't go to his Wikipedia page, he is a little cuckoo. But who isn't?
There, I've bowed down to the internet and posted cat pictures. Are you happy, Internet gods?
More fabulous cats (with a bit of fashion sprinkled here and there) here
For some reason, I've been trying to fall in love with cats. Everyone loves cats, and I'm passive towards them. There must be something wrong with me. To fix that wrong, I'm on a journey to find my Inner Cat Goddess and love her.
I Googled "How do I fall in love with cats?" And, well, I didn't really get what I was looking for. So people don't actually try to fall in love with cats and it simply happens?
Maybe I should try another Google search, "How do I fall in love with humans?" and that led me to this WikiHow page. Now all I have to do is replace "person" with "cats"!
There are three parts to "How to fall in love":
Finding the right person cat.
Developing the relationship.
Building a lasting connection.
I'll cover one part in each post.
So here goes:
Part 1: Finding the right person cat
1. Bolster your self esteem
"To fall in love and find the right person you must first have confidence and love invested in yourself."
Love yourself: check. This is going to be so easy.
2. Consider why you want to fall in love
"There's no right answer for why you want to fall in love, but there are some reasons that aren't good and that indicate a deeper problem. A few reasons to fall in love that aren't good: you are feeling lonely or think you need your self-esteem bolstered by someone else (this will make you take any relationship you get, which will lead to problems later), all your friends are in relationships, you believe you need to have a relationship to be happy. These are all symptoms of deeper problems that won't be cured by entering into a relationship."
I want to fall in love with cats on a whim. That's not wrong. Is it? I'm almost sure it isn't wrong. 3. Consider what you are looking for
"No, don't make a list of exact specifications detailing the hair color, job, schooling level, and personality of your potential significant other. You're not going to ever find an exact match, but you should acknowledge the basics of what you're looking for."
Now the sudden realization hits me that this falling in love with cats thing isn't as simple as replacing "person" with "cat". But I've invested so much time into this so I'm going to see this through.
I'm looking for a cat that won't bite or claw me. Also, I'd appreciate it if she didn't aim hairballs at me. That's all.
4. Meet people cats
"Of course, to be able to find someone with whom to fall in love, you're going to need to go out and meet people. This doesn't mean you have to be a big party animal, or that you have to do things that you're not entirely comfortable with, but it's a good idea to at least try and get out of your comfort zone a little bit."
People who have cats! I can always hang out with them (cats and humans) at their homes
5. Open yourself to new possibilities
"Doing things that you might not otherwise have done can help foster a sense of excitement for you, as well as take you outside your comfort zone to meet different kinds of people."
I can do some cat-sitting, it's way out of my comfort zone.
6. Give things time
"Even if you've been going to parties and your friends have been introducing you to plenty of fun, attractive people, you should still expect the process to take some time. Be patient. It can take years to find the right person. Along the way, you may find people that you think are right for you, but turn out not to be. Use these opportunities as learning experiences. Eventually, you'll get a sense for the kind of person you're looking for."
Now I'm really beginning to see how my replace-person-with-cats-in-a-WikiHow-article- for-falling-in-love approach was so wrong. I hereby declare that Parts 2 and 3 are cancelled. I'm sorry, dear readers.
To make up for my fickle mindedness, here are some adorable cats!
Colors! I didn't think that colors were so mysterious and fascinating till I heard this podcast from Radiolab. It opened my mind to so many ideas. That a Mantis shrimp can see more colors than a human can. I looked it up, and this shrimp seems so bad-ass.
Mantis shrimp, I love you. I love you so much that I want to eat you. (Wait, we can eat them, right? Google says yes. Yay!)
I was going to write a bunch of facts I dug out about this sexy sea creature, but this motherfucker seems to have a fan club. And The Oatmeal has written an eloquent love letter for it.
But I wanted to write a love letter too!
I'm going to draw some blood (mine) and express my love in blood. Beat that, Oatmeal!
I'm new to this bloody love letter thing. How does one go about it?
Here are my options:
1. Prick a finger and finger-write a love letter
It's easy, but might look stalker-ish and amateurish. I don't want my mantis shrimp to think of me as an odd-ball. (Not that writing a letter in blood makes me appear less weird.)
2. Use blood as ink:
I have a whole load of questions about this one:
a. Is my blood viscous enough?
b. Is it too viscous to flow freely onto the paper?
c. What sort of nib should I use?
d. How much blood will I need?
e. How fast should I write before the blood begins to clot?
f. Won't the letter smell rusty when the blood dries out?
I didn't know writing a bloody love letter would be so complicated!
Oh, I'm going off track. What was I talking about? Colors! I'm going to read The Iliad and The Odyssey again to see if Homer did use weird colors to describe stuff. Or maybe I should just believe the guy on the podcast.
And Radiolab introduced me to this guy! He made me wish I were a science geek, just so that I could enjoy his a capella thingy more. I didn't understand most of it, but it sure had me entertained! And it has an Einstein sock puppet! Anything which has an Einstein sock puppet is bound to be awesome.
And that led me to his Rolling in the deep parody. Again, didn't understand much. But this one was pretty awesome too. (I hate that word. And I don't know why I keep using it. I need to find some alternatives to awesome)
